Gone but Found

Being outside those walls is an interesting feeling. I haven't been gone for too long, but it's a completely different world out here. Luckily I found somewhere that I can be safe and I don't have to worry too much about what happens during the night time. I should have stopped running in circles years ago.  I should have left those walls sooner.  Maybe this way I will be able to be found.  I can feel normal.  I can be me.  I don't have to be Alexandria anymore.   

Although, I'm not completely sure on what to call myself right now; but for now, that doesn't matter.  There is no one around me to call me by a name.  It's just me and the things around me.  Maybe I can just call myself 'A'.  Nothing special.  Nothing extraordinary.  I'm just A.

It's kind of funny.  Now that I am out here, I keep thinking how different it is.  How I really didn't know anything while I was living inside of those walls.  I mean, I left the place, but it was always with them.  I never left alone, almost like they were scared that I would get lost.... That I would never come back.   That they would never see me again.....  But now I am here.  Alone.  I haven't felt more found.... I think I am on to something.  I am finding something, I am slowly finding myself.  And now I have all the time in the world to be able to continue to search.  And one day I will be found!  

So I may be gone, but in a way, I feel like I've been found.

Running in Circles

Have you seen a circle?  They never end.  You can follow that line and keep going on forever without any hope of finding the end of the line.  Never stopping, just running and following that line that will never end.  Running in circles.  No hope.  No end.  No release.

How am I suppose to escape this circle that my so called "parents" have put me into.  You remember when I told you about my "mother", how she cries almost every night and her husband leaves almost every night because of it?  Well, that's a circle that I have decided to end.  I don't want to be here and keep running around this circle, thinking that everything will be okay in the end.  Thinking that maybe one day something will change in the circle; that it won't be the same as the last thousand times we have gone around this hell hole.  It doesn't work like that.  Circles will always be circles and nothing will ever change them.  That line will continue going and unless you get off that line, you will never see a change.  No matter how much you hope and pray for it.

I'm changing.  I'm leaving.  I won't run in this circle anymore.
The only thing, is they don't know.  I have to do it in secret, I'm sure they would never let me out of their sight if they knew my intentions. If they had their way I would be stuck here, in the circle, for the rest of the life.  Never finding my true identity.  Always being lost.

But that won't happen.  I am gone.

Tonight.

They won't see me again; hopefully that will stop her tears and his absence. 

Everything will be better

No more running in circles.

Pain

There have been so many times where I can hear her crying at night, but it's not that normal crying.  It's sobbing, like something is terribly wrong.  It almost sounds like her life won't ever be right again and all she can do now is put on a happy face during the day, trying to be strong, and cry it all out at night.  Sometimes I can see her break, even for just a moment, during the day.   She wants to be stronger than she is.  And you know what the problem is..... I wish I did.  Most of the time I believe it's me.  They know I'm not what they want me to be.  I honestly believe that I am killing her slowly.  I don't know how I am, but I am..... The only time she breaks during the day is when I'm around.  She is fine when I'm not there, for all I know, She really doesn't want me here; just as much as I don't want to be here.  I don't belong here and she knows it too.  Alexandria should be here instead of me, but yet, she isn't and I am.....

You really don't understand the pain that she has in her heart.  I don't even understand it.  But it's just another reason that I need to be..... be found.....  Another reason that I need to get away from this place.  This isn't my place to be and I'm killing her, my "mother"; she is in so much pain because of me.

I'm not like her.  She isn't like me.  This isn't working. I don't even know about my "father", he likes to keep his distance when she isn't around.  And at night when she cries; when she is in so much need of him,  he isn't there.  He disappears and returns once she is done.  Maybe that's his way of taking in the pain, or maybe he just can't take it.  He probably wants me gone as well, so that his wife will stop the sobbing.

I need to leave..... This pain..... Is just too much...... They don't need this in their life.  They are good people.  I mean they treat me well and they tell me that they love me.  I know they wouldn't do anything to hurt me because they care for me.  Or so they say.  But I still don't understand how they can love me, when I am completely different from them.  I don't belong here with them and there is this pain that has been constant since the day that I got here.  I didn't understand it till now.... But it's..... pain..... A pain that will never heal.

The question is....... Am I the one causing this.... Pain? 

 

 

Alexandria

They tell me I have name, they call me by this name.  It's their way of getting my attention when they want to talk to me.  They call me..... Alexandria. I even asked them where I got this so called name.  They told me that it was the name of someone very close to them, who was now... dead.  I don't understand why they would do that to me,  call me by the name of someone that is dead.  That just sounds.... Disturbing.  That person is dead, she isn't me.  Why should I hold their name?  I am me, my own person.  At least give me my own name....  This world doesn't make sense to me.  I don't like it and I hate not knowing where or who I really am.  Why can't I be me, just the way I am, why do I need to learn their ways and try to be one of them.  I'm not.  And I am certainly not their Alexandria.... I never will be, it's not natural.  I guess you could say I'm not normal.  They don't see it though.  They think I am just like the other one.  They think I will think and act like they want me to.  They think I am someone or something that I am not and will never be.  Let me find my own identity.  Let me find who I want to be.  Let me choose who I am.  I am not and will never be.... Alexandria.... 

 Have you ever wondered who you were?  Or why you called the name you are called by everyone around you?  Have you ever wondered if you belonged to a different place, maybe even a different world?  If not, welcome to my life and the questions I seem to ask myself everyday.  I don't know where I came from, I know it's not from the people that I am with right now.  They aren't my parents and I'm not their Alexandria.   

The only thing that I am sure of, is that I am not like them.  And I will never be....  I need to find my true identity.  I need to know who I am.... 

Lost

Have you ever felt..... lost?  And I don't mean in a forest or some place where no one lives, or plans to.  When I say lost,  I mean; living in a world with people all around you, looking at you and talking to you, but nothing meaning anything.  Nothing feels right.  Nothing works. It's almost like I'm nothing, but at the same time I am something.  I don't belong in this world of people.  I don't know where I came from, but I know it's not from here.  I'm lost, without any hope of getting home..... whatever 'home' really means.  The two adult figures that I live with want me to call them 'mom' and 'dad', but I know that isn't true.  I just can't seem to get myself to call them something they are not, especially such a term so endearing.  I just.... I can't, even though I know it breaks their hearts.  They tell me they love me, almost every day..... Sometimes even multiple times a day.  They say they care for me and will protect me.  They are here for me.  They will do anything for me...... I hate hearing that.... I feel dirty.... I feel like a liar....  They aren't my parents and I'm not their child.  They can't love something that they don't know..... And tell me, how are they suppose to know what I am, when I don't even know.  All I know is that I'm different.  I don't do things the same as the other humans, even though they have tried to teach me their ways.  I don't want to do it, it feels.... weird..... like it's not the way that it's suppose to be done.  And I can only fake being someone I'm not for so long.  I can only fake being like them for a time being.  With each day that passes, I grow older, just like them, but that's the only thing we have in common.  The older I grow, the more different I feel..... And the more the need to be.... found..... grows within me.
Found.... what would it be like to be found?