Pain

There have been so many times where I can hear her crying at night, but it's not that normal crying.  It's sobbing, like something is terribly wrong.  It almost sounds like her life won't ever be right again and all she can do now is put on a happy face during the day, trying to be strong, and cry it all out at night.  Sometimes I can see her break, even for just a moment, during the day.   She wants to be stronger than she is.  And you know what the problem is..... I wish I did.  Most of the time I believe it's me.  They know I'm not what they want me to be.  I honestly believe that I am killing her slowly.  I don't know how I am, but I am..... The only time she breaks during the day is when I'm around.  She is fine when I'm not there, for all I know, She really doesn't want me here; just as much as I don't want to be here.  I don't belong here and she knows it too.  Alexandria should be here instead of me, but yet, she isn't and I am.....

You really don't understand the pain that she has in her heart.  I don't even understand it.  But it's just another reason that I need to be..... be found.....  Another reason that I need to get away from this place.  This isn't my place to be and I'm killing her, my "mother"; she is in so much pain because of me.

I'm not like her.  She isn't like me.  This isn't working. I don't even know about my "father", he likes to keep his distance when she isn't around.  And at night when she cries; when she is in so much need of him,  he isn't there.  He disappears and returns once she is done.  Maybe that's his way of taking in the pain, or maybe he just can't take it.  He probably wants me gone as well, so that his wife will stop the sobbing.

I need to leave..... This pain..... Is just too much...... They don't need this in their life.  They are good people.  I mean they treat me well and they tell me that they love me.  I know they wouldn't do anything to hurt me because they care for me.  Or so they say.  But I still don't understand how they can love me, when I am completely different from them.  I don't belong here with them and there is this pain that has been constant since the day that I got here.  I didn't understand it till now.... But it's..... pain..... A pain that will never heal.

The question is....... Am I the one causing this.... Pain?