Pain

There have been so many times where I can hear her crying at night, but it's not that normal crying.  It's sobbing, like something is terribly wrong.  It almost sounds like her life won't ever be right again and all she can do now is put on a happy face during the day, trying to be strong, and cry it all out at night.  Sometimes I can see her break, even for just a moment, during the day.   She wants to be stronger than she is.  And you know what the problem is..... I wish I did.  Most of the time I believe it's me.  They know I'm not what they want me to be.  I honestly believe that I am killing her slowly.  I don't know how I am, but I am..... The only time she breaks during the day is when I'm around.  She is fine when I'm not there, for all I know, She really doesn't want me here; just as much as I don't want to be here.  I don't belong here and she knows it too.  Alexandria should be here instead of me, but yet, she isn't and I am.....

You really don't understand the pain that she has in her heart.  I don't even understand it.  But it's just another reason that I need to be..... be found.....  Another reason that I need to get away from this place.  This isn't my place to be and I'm killing her, my "mother"; she is in so much pain because of me.

I'm not like her.  She isn't like me.  This isn't working. I don't even know about my "father", he likes to keep his distance when she isn't around.  And at night when she cries; when she is in so much need of him,  he isn't there.  He disappears and returns once she is done.  Maybe that's his way of taking in the pain, or maybe he just can't take it.  He probably wants me gone as well, so that his wife will stop the sobbing.

I need to leave..... This pain..... Is just too much...... They don't need this in their life.  They are good people.  I mean they treat me well and they tell me that they love me.  I know they wouldn't do anything to hurt me because they care for me.  Or so they say.  But I still don't understand how they can love me, when I am completely different from them.  I don't belong here with them and there is this pain that has been constant since the day that I got here.  I didn't understand it till now.... But it's..... pain..... A pain that will never heal.

The question is....... Am I the one causing this.... Pain? 

 

 

Alexandria

They tell me I have name, they call me by this name.  It's their way of getting my attention when they want to talk to me.  They call me..... Alexandria. I even asked them where I got this so called name.  They told me that it was the name of someone very close to them, who was now... dead.  I don't understand why they would do that to me,  call me by the name of someone that is dead.  That just sounds.... Disturbing.  That person is dead, she isn't me.  Why should I hold their name?  I am me, my own person.  At least give me my own name....  This world doesn't make sense to me.  I don't like it and I hate not knowing where or who I really am.  Why can't I be me, just the way I am, why do I need to learn their ways and try to be one of them.  I'm not.  And I am certainly not their Alexandria.... I never will be, it's not natural.  I guess you could say I'm not normal.  They don't see it though.  They think I am just like the other one.  They think I will think and act like they want me to.  They think I am someone or something that I am not and will never be.  Let me find my own identity.  Let me find who I want to be.  Let me choose who I am.  I am not and will never be.... Alexandria.... 

 Have you ever wondered who you were?  Or why you called the name you are called by everyone around you?  Have you ever wondered if you belonged to a different place, maybe even a different world?  If not, welcome to my life and the questions I seem to ask myself everyday.  I don't know where I came from, I know it's not from the people that I am with right now.  They aren't my parents and I'm not their Alexandria.   

The only thing that I am sure of, is that I am not like them.  And I will never be....  I need to find my true identity.  I need to know who I am.... 

Work

Have you ever been at work without anything to do and so you have to find something to pass the time?
I have.... that's how I am right now.....

I even searched "How to kill time online"

That didn't work.  So I came here, thinking maybe typing and thinking about what to type will help me pass the time a bit.  We will see how this goes.

But I have started to write a story.  I figured that I will post it every Friday now and let the story come to life on my blog from my mind. :)  The first one started at Lost, next is coming this Friday and is called Alexandria, and the Friday after that is called Pain.  I am excited to see where this goes and what kind of story it takes me on.  Now yes they are sad.  BUT no they aren't my story.  Yes, I am writing it, but it doesn't have to do with my life whatsoever.  I love my parents and am super happy.  I love my husband and my puppy and my whole family.  I feel like I have a great life.  This is just as story that I am making up.  It's time to let my mind be creative and I guess you could say "live" another life.

The story posts do have different fonts and format, that way you can easily tell which one is the story and which one is actually me posting something about my life.

Lost

Have you ever felt..... lost?  And I don't mean in a forest or some place where no one lives, or plans to.  When I say lost,  I mean; living in a world with people all around you, looking at you and talking to you, but nothing meaning anything.  Nothing feels right.  Nothing works. It's almost like I'm nothing, but at the same time I am something.  I don't belong in this world of people.  I don't know where I came from, but I know it's not from here.  I'm lost, without any hope of getting home..... whatever 'home' really means.  The two adult figures that I live with want me to call them 'mom' and 'dad', but I know that isn't true.  I just can't seem to get myself to call them something they are not, especially such a term so endearing.  I just.... I can't, even though I know it breaks their hearts.  They tell me they love me, almost every day..... Sometimes even multiple times a day.  They say they care for me and will protect me.  They are here for me.  They will do anything for me...... I hate hearing that.... I feel dirty.... I feel like a liar....  They aren't my parents and I'm not their child.  They can't love something that they don't know..... And tell me, how are they suppose to know what I am, when I don't even know.  All I know is that I'm different.  I don't do things the same as the other humans, even though they have tried to teach me their ways.  I don't want to do it, it feels.... weird..... like it's not the way that it's suppose to be done.  And I can only fake being someone I'm not for so long.  I can only fake being like them for a time being.  With each day that passes, I grow older, just like them, but that's the only thing we have in common.  The older I grow, the more different I feel..... And the more the need to be.... found..... grows within me.
Found.... what would it be like to be found?

Checking Them Goals

1. Write at least 12 post this years, meaning at least 1 a month. 
2. Get at least three good set Zumba classes. Don't let anything or one stop me. 
3. Tell my husband how much I love and appreciate him. 
4. Train Ari at least once every day, not including her daily walk. 
5. Enjoy the time I have with family. Both sides.

I wrote those goals  in February and it has been two month and I decided that it would be a good idea to check to see how I am doing on the goals.  And then try to improve on them starting today.

Write at least 12 post this years,  meaning at least 1 a month.

I have been doing really good on this one so far.  I have at least two posts in each month of this year.  That's really good for me, seeing as I could go months and months without writing here without a problem.  Remembering is the hard part for me.  But just because I have two posts in these first three months doesn't mean that I can slack on three other months.  No, as stated I need at least one post a month. 

Get at least three good set Zumba classes. Don't let anything or one stop me.

I have actually done this.  With a little bit of struggle at the beginning, but now I have four classes of Zumba within the week and a Hip Hop class.  So I feel great about this one.  Now I need to continue and not let anything stop me from living my dream!  I am getting closer and closer to my own dance studio, I can feel it!!! 

Tell my husband how much I love and appreciate him.

I have slacked on this one a little bit.  I should be able to do it more and express it more.  I was able to write about this in my last post, but that isn't enough, especially because he might not ever see it.  I need to improve and tell him more vocally.
So I will change this goal a little bit to make it more specific to where I can get it.

Tell my husband how much I love and appreciate him, once ever two days!

I think I can do that! :)

Train Ari at least once every day, not including her daily walk.

I have really been slacking on this one.  I need to do it, there are things we need to work on and I know we do, but I don't give her the time to work on.  So I will step up to this one and improve! Let's go!

Enjoy the time I have with family. Both sides.

Well..... let's just say I have completed half of this.  I have loved the time with my family and enjoyed it to the fullest.  But I am slacking really bad with Robert's side.  I need to work on that, and give myself more time to be with them to be able to enjoy it.  

Alright so I have done good with 2.5 of them.  That's not too bad, but it's not the best.  I will get this! I will do better and I will have a great life! :) Goals and working towards them make you better! 

The Best Husband

I can honestly say that I have the best husband in the world.  He puts up with my crazyness and understand my thinking even when I can't put it into words.  He helps me with everything and I honestly don't know what I would do without.



Recently my family dog, Max, passed away.  Just like the last post had stated. I hadn't cried yet on that Thursday when I got the news.  I didn't feel the need to, I knew it was coming I just didn't know when it would happen.
Thursday morning I got the news.
Thursday night I was looking at other dogs.  (Now remember Max lived with my parents)
Friday I put a deposit down for a puppy and brought him home.

I believe that it all happened because I lost Max and I didn't know how to cope with it.
Well I brought him home on Friday, without Robert knowing.  Robert came home from doing his show and SURPRISE!!! There was another puppy and on top of that I was puppy sitting my brother's dog.  So there were three little ones in my house.

I started to realize little by little that I didn't have the ability to take care of an extra little one.  Ari was enough and I could wait till we had a house and room to move to get another dog.  The weekend was an adventure.  Keeping the little ones from bugging Ari too much and cleaning up lots of pee and poop.
I did learn that I will never have three puppies at once of my own.

Finally had the time to sit down and actually talk to Robert about the new puppy and see what we needed and wanted to do.  That's when the little puppy got too close to Ari while she was sleeping.  And Ari got him, now Ari is a friendly dog! She loves to play with other dogs, this was first and the last.  Right then I knew what we needed to do to keep both dogs safe and happy.
I put him up on KSL and now he has a new family coming to get him tonight at 6:30pm.

Breaks my heart already to see him go, but I know that it's for the better.  For the sanity of my husband and the happiness and health of Ari and him.
I will love him forever, even though I only had him for three days.
I hope he enjoys his new family and the life in Heber! I will miss that little love bug....


But my lesson is learned, sadly it had to be the hard way.  I will not buy a puppy because I lost one.  I will not buy a puppy because I think it will be nice for mine to have a friend.  I will not buy a puppy just to buy a puppy.  They deserve better than that.  They deserve someone that can seriously take care of them and love them!

I will only buy a puppy when I have the room, time, money, and ability to care for them!
Dogs don't deserve to be in a shelter,  they deserve a home with love and a wonderful family.



But after that story.  Now I need to tell you why I have the best husband!  He didn't tell me to get rid of him.  He loved that little one.  He helped me take care of the three puppies over the weekend.  He comforted me as I realized that I made a mistake by getting another puppy.  He joked with me and made me feel good.  He helped with the gagger poops that I couldn't handle. He keeps me sane, and when I actually talk to him about things, he talks me out of those bad ideas.
And now today,  he is going with me to meet the little one's new family.  Then he is taking me for ice cream cause he knows and I know that I will cry when he leaves my arms and goes home with the other family.
He takes care of me and even though I make crazy decisions.... without him knowing. He loves me still and forgives me for my weaknesses.  He is the best husband I could ask for, and I so grateful to be able to be with him for all eternity.

Good-bye Max

Max, well, we got him one Christmas and ever since he has been one of the best dogs I have ever met. I love him so much and his ability to cuddle and just the love bug that he is. He would always go up to anyone in the house just to get his head rubbed, and if you did, you sure was his new best friend!

He thought he was a tough dog, barking at the dogs on the other side of the fence, but we knew that if he could see them, they would be playing around.

He played as well as he could with Chevy and Ari for him being old and them just new puppies with tons of energy.

Max with never be forgotten and I wish I could go to see him before he is gone. He really was an amazing dog! But with his physical state now, it would only make him suffer so much more. 

Max always loved to get love, attention, and a great head rub! I hope he gets all of the above and even more while he waits for our whole family to get up there with him.


I love you Max!