Gone but Found

Being outside those walls is an interesting feeling. I haven't been gone for too long, but it's a completely different world out here. Luckily I found somewhere that I can be safe and I don't have to worry too much about what happens during the night time. I should have stopped running in circles years ago.  I should have left those walls sooner.  Maybe this way I will be able to be found.  I can feel normal.  I can be me.  I don't have to be Alexandria anymore.   

Although, I'm not completely sure on what to call myself right now; but for now, that doesn't matter.  There is no one around me to call me by a name.  It's just me and the things around me.  Maybe I can just call myself 'A'.  Nothing special.  Nothing extraordinary.  I'm just A.

It's kind of funny.  Now that I am out here, I keep thinking how different it is.  How I really didn't know anything while I was living inside of those walls.  I mean, I left the place, but it was always with them.  I never left alone, almost like they were scared that I would get lost.... That I would never come back.   That they would never see me again.....  But now I am here.  Alone.  I haven't felt more found.... I think I am on to something.  I am finding something, I am slowly finding myself.  And now I have all the time in the world to be able to continue to search.  And one day I will be found!  

So I may be gone, but in a way, I feel like I've been found.

YOU Have the POWER

Life isn't what anyone wants.  People swear and will call others bad names, sometimes that's the only way some people can feel go about themselves.
I hope that little girl has gotten stronger because of that little experience, that a simple word like ass won't ruin her whole day.  Because hell, there is so much more out there that will hit her that a thousand bricks.  Life sucks sometimes; sometimes just because of the people that you have to deal with.  It gets hard.  But if you can stand your ground and you know who and what you are, life will never knock you down for long. Be strong, be stronger than you think you could ever be.  I know each and everyone of us on this earth has a power that we can't even imagine, and that's because we are children of God.  Someone who has given us the power to handle anything that the world has to throw at us.
If someone calls you an ass, and you know you're not.  Well prove them wrong by being the person you are! don't change to be the person they think you are!

You're beautiful! You're strong! And you are one of a kind!

People love you, don't let one person ruin your day, or your life.

Keep going.
Shoot for the stars!
Reach your goals!
Make your dreams come true.

YOU HAVE THE POWER.

Fishie Park Ass Memory

I remember going to the a park next to my parent's house. We call it the fishie park. I was there with my little brother Jaeden. We started to play a game of tag with some other kids and the ball they had.
The girl, whom the ball belonged to, decided she wanted to leave. She walked up to Jaeden, who had the ball at the moment, and ripped the ball out of his hands, "I'm going home". She said in a snotty voice.
Looking at her in surprise by how rude and disrespectful that was, the words slipped out of my mouth. "Well you don't have to be an ass about it."

We continued to play a different game with the kids that were there. Not needing that ball to have fun.  We played like nothing happened.

Not too long, seriously a couple minutes. The mother of the daughter comes at me, as quick as she can walk, anger in her face. I smile at her, stopping what I am doing and wait for her, it's easy to tell that she is coming for me and no one else at the park.
She then goes on to ask if I was the one who called her daughter the 'A' word.
For a split second, I thought; you can lie. Pretend like it never happened, but I pushed that thought away from my mind. Looking at the mother I nodded and calmly said yes.
She went off on how her daughter was in tears because of it. How her daughter was coming home at the time that she was asked to come home. How I shouldn't be talking like that around children.

I listened and took a deep breath. When she was done, I told her what happened. That she had taken the ball from my brother; which she quickly informed me that it was in-fact her daughter's ball.
I told her I understood that, but it was in the manner of the way that she took it from my brother.
I told her that we would have given it back, but that her daughter came and ripped it out of his hands like she had the right to do so. That it was rude, disrespectful, and uncalled for. All she had to do was ask and be nice, not being an ass about it, and she would have gotten her ball back.

The mother dropped her head.
I simply apologized for calling her daughter an ass, then asked for an apology from the daughter to my brother by how she treated him.
The mother apologized for her and walked away.

I can honestly say to this day that I do not regret calling her an ass. I hope that girl and her mother both learned a lesson, just like I learned a lesson that day.  I hope that girl doesn't just remember someone calling her an ass, but the reason she was called that and that she ends up showing respect towards others.

Running in Circles

Have you seen a circle?  They never end.  You can follow that line and keep going on forever without any hope of finding the end of the line.  Never stopping, just running and following that line that will never end.  Running in circles.  No hope.  No end.  No release.

How am I suppose to escape this circle that my so called "parents" have put me into.  You remember when I told you about my "mother", how she cries almost every night and her husband leaves almost every night because of it?  Well, that's a circle that I have decided to end.  I don't want to be here and keep running around this circle, thinking that everything will be okay in the end.  Thinking that maybe one day something will change in the circle; that it won't be the same as the last thousand times we have gone around this hell hole.  It doesn't work like that.  Circles will always be circles and nothing will ever change them.  That line will continue going and unless you get off that line, you will never see a change.  No matter how much you hope and pray for it.

I'm changing.  I'm leaving.  I won't run in this circle anymore.
The only thing, is they don't know.  I have to do it in secret, I'm sure they would never let me out of their sight if they knew my intentions. If they had their way I would be stuck here, in the circle, for the rest of the life.  Never finding my true identity.  Always being lost.

But that won't happen.  I am gone.

Tonight.

They won't see me again; hopefully that will stop her tears and his absence. 

Everything will be better

No more running in circles.